So… I’ve come to realize that I’ve made a bunch of mistakes socially since entering college. It feels like middle school all over again. The walls back up and stronger than ever. I’m bitchy and cynical towards everyone around me that I don’t consider a friend. And that circle is so goddamned small I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided they were all I needed. But I guess I’m paying the price for it now. I’m lonely. If my few friends are busy, or if I don’t feel like hanging out with them, I’m out of luck. And I’m beginning to think that it’s evolving into depression. It’s like…. there isn’t anything I want to do anymore. I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to do things I liked to do, I can’t concentrate… I just want to sleep. And then, at the same time, I want desperately to do all of those things.
Maybe some of it has to do with the fact I’ve lost contact with people I hung out with in high school. To me those were the golden days. I mean I can message them on Facebook, I guess, but it’s not the same as seeing them face-to-face, which is what I really want to do. But I also know that I can’t do that either –we’re all spread throughout the country.
I guess I could try to expand my circle of friends, but there isn’t anyone in my classes that I like. I mean there’s this one kid in my Japanese class that seems interesting, but I also can’t see myself hanging out with him outside of class. My mom thinks I should try to hang out with one of my other friends’ friends, but I don’t know them either. Just because they’re my friend’s friend doesn’t mean they’ll like me. I need to find my own friends. But I don’t know where to look.
And so, for now, I’m alone.
